VIDEO POKER

A Problem With Gambling

At the time, my main gambling game was backgammon. I also was learning how to count cards at blackjack and had driven or flown to Vegas several times to give it a try. In the two years prior to the divorce, I was slightly ahead at backgammon and stuck maybe $5,000 at blackjack. I had signed up for weekend junkets where I contracted to bet $25 a hand for four hours a day in exchange for "free" airfare, RFB and a certain cash rebate. I won a few times, but lost between $2,000 and $3,000 for three straight trips and Elaine got scared.

Elaine argued that I seemed obsessed with trying to learn to gamble better. She was right. I was and still am. She saw that as a character flaw and I saw that as a responsible way to go about a potentially lucrative hobby. She believed that the casino always had an advantage and would win in the long run. I believed otherwise. I believed that once my skills got good enough that I'd be the favorite. She checked with all of her friends, each of whom told her that as far as they knew the house always won, so she saw my belief as a symptom of my disease.

She believed the desire to gamble possessed me and would eventually claim all the family assets. She believed that I'd be much better off if I'd admit my weakness and seek treatment, and if I wouldn't do that she wanted out. She looked at statements I'd show her in blackjack books about the potential for winning to be merely exaggerations intended to sell books. Although we tried various compromises, we both were quite sure we were right. I wasn't willing to give up trying to beat the casino, and she wasn't willing to trust that everything would work out better in the future than it had in the recent past. I suppose divorce was inevitable.

Fast forward to today. Several times a married person has come up to me after one of my classes and described the gambling losses incurred by their spouse. They often ask me to concur with their diagnosis of "compulsive gambler." I listen but always beg off from making any conclusions about this. I'm not at all interested in being an "expert witness" for either side in a divorce proceeding.

I am quite convinced that problem gambling is a very real thing and that, like alcoholism and other addictions, it has caused very real problems for a significant number of people. But the exact definition is elusive. And the fact that a person has sustained bigger gambling losses than somebody else is comfortable with is not necessarily an indication that the first person has a gambling problem. It could be, like in my earlier situation, that one of the partners has a much lower tolerance for this kind of risk than the other one does.

Today I've had enough success at gambling and am widely considered to be an expert so Shirley is willing to trust that I know what I'm doing. When we suffer losses today Shirley isn't happy at all about it, but there is an underlying faith in me that has developed over time. Eighteen years ago, I didn't have those credentials and Elaine wasn't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. Hard to blame her, really.

Many couples are struggling with these issues and with good reason. Casinos are supported by people who lose, and some people gamble more than they can afford. Every net loser wins some of the time, just as every net winner loses some of the time. Because of this, every person's gambling history may be interpreted in several different ways. Often, more than one conclusion may be perfectly justified, depending on your point of view.